If there's something I want to rant on, I'll probably put it here. It may be on other websites, it might be only here.
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If someone has depression, DO NOT tell them to get over themselves. Actually, check that. If someone has any mental illness or disorder. I have depression, it doesn't work. You can't just spontaneously decide to be happy. It's not that fricking easy.
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Never, ever tell anyone to kill themselves, ever. You don't know what goes on when you're not around. Maybe they were already contemplating it. Maybe someone just died. Maybe something horrible is going on in their life and you don't want to be the reason someone's dead or feels awful
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When someone tells me to do something, I can't win. I'm told to do it and the person adds 'for once' to indicate that I never do it, even though I do sometimes. I do it on my own, nobody notices and it's probably still assumed I didn't do it. Either way, someone lectures me on HOW I did it and they don't even make it feel like it's constructive criticism, it's, 'you did this wrong and that's not okay.' I can only take so much of this before I want to fucking stab myself in the chest
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On the outside, I look like some cold, emotionless person who's kinda a social recluse. One layer in, I'm small and fragile, ready to break at any point. Even when I'm in a crowd of people I feel so alone. So alone....
Dig to the core? I am a violent, furious consciousness, so full of pent up anger and frustration that I don't know how much longer I can hold these demons. I'm starting to think I should push people away from me, if only to protect them, as opposed to making them deal with me...
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What's WRONG with me?! Just because your friend has a friend sleeping over, not to mention one that she's known a lot longer than me, does not mean she hates me. But I feel so much like she does. She just left earlier because he's the kind of person who you have to keep an eye on... and now I feel so hollow, as if someone's juts left me behind for good. I feel torn in two... actually, more like three. Should I be mad? Should I be upset? Should I get my shit together and realize that she's not trying to be mean or indicate she dislikes me? I can' control myself anymore...
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Maybe I'm sick of being walked on by adults. When we ran the mile in school today, my teacher kept telling me to run when I was nearly stumbling because I was so tired. My legs felt so huge and clumsy because I'm tired. Even my classmates were telling me to run... maybe it's all I deserve... just because I can't do this, I must be worthless.
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I'm apparently overweight. I'm not pretty. I'm not smart, I'm not clever, I'm not witty, I'm not brave, I'm not smart, I'm not a good singer, I'm not a good artist. I'm never going to be anything, am I? Just because I'm not pretty or attractive, I'm the one who gets ignored. I'm the one who gets walked on. I'm the one who gets knocked over, over and over again while the people who knocked me down are trying to tell me to get back up or that I can choose to be happy.
They don't know what it's like. To want to hurt someone because you've held back so much fury. To want to plunge a knife into your throat because you're never going to be worth anyone's time. To feel as if you're never going to accomplish anything, you're never going to be good enough, and that your entire world is falling around you. To have the smallest things tick you off. They don't understand. They don't understand at all. They're never going to, and maybe it's better if they don't, because then I can die silently...
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The fact that I even have this page says a lot about my shitty mental state. I should be able to suck it up and suffer quietly, like I always have. Why must my floodgates fail? Is it because I always feel so horrible at night, and that's what makes me post these things? I try to will myself to stay silent, but I always fucking fail. Just like I do at everything. I'm tired of being worthless. Please just let me die already....
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I have nothing to complain about. If she can watch her grandfather die from suicide and carry on as one of the strongest people I know... why can't I keep walking when I have nothing wrong aside from my self hatred? She's told me she doesn't want to see me in the same position as her grandfather, on the floor with blood bubbling at my throat.... but I want to be there. Because if I can't deal with this, I'm not worth the life I've been given
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Look
look
Social contact makes me uncomfortable
On bad days it makes me panic
Stop treating me like I can fucking help it
I didn't want to be this way
I never wanted to be like this
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